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Comedy of Errors by Blind Carbon Copy Pay heed to this story I tell you – like my granny done told it to me Before she went off and left me alone in this blind misery Ain't nothin' much funny about it – seems more like a tragedy So it is that one day this dude, Algernon, a dealer, he is, from Syracuse, finds hisself in a world of hurt caught out trading rock cocaine for information from a bellman at the Hotel Emphasis in downtown Manhattan. The Duke, Salvador Emphasis, uses this hotel as a front for his drug, prostitution and gambling operations and means to make a mighty example of Algernon to keep others clear of his turf. Sal gives the signal to his right hand man, but Algernon he breaks into tears saying he ain't done nothin' but try to find his family. Now Sal, he's got family so he's all ears. Algernon tells the Duke how 20 years past, his wife, Alice, gives birth to twins. While she's in labor she disses him fierce, says she'll never forgive him for what he'd done to her figger – but once she lays eyes on the first twin, she names him Alfonzo after her old lover. Not to be outdone, Algernon names the second son after Alfonzo, his chauffeur. In his heart, Algernon suspects that either one of those dudes had a greater chance of being father to the twins than he did, but he loved the bitch anyway. Taking care of two squalling babies is more work than she bargains for and she runs off with a Corinthian leather salesman name of Ricardo. Raising the twins on his own is a struggle. Just after they turn three, Algernon gets sent up for seven years on a drug rap. When the boys are put into foster care he begs the social worker to make sure they stay together. It transpires, however, that a wealthy family is very distraught at the loss of one of their own twin sons. Sal looks up at Algernon with genuine compassion. "It must have been hard to lose a son," he says. "Was there an accident? Was he ill?" Algernon tells him, "No, I think they mislaid him at La Guardia after returning from a trip to Paris. He was never found." Sal shook his head in disbelief. "So, then what happened, old man?" "Well, they hear about my boys and they pull some strings to adopt one of them, having two of everything already and figurin' it's better if they replace their lost son with another twin. Idiots, they were! After I did my time, I went to get my boys, but only Alfonzo was there. By the time I hear all about this family, they is long gone. Alfonzo comes home with me, but we fall out cause I'm obsessed with looking for his brother – when he's fifteen he books. I was doing ok, but I spend every penny I make looking for my sons – just want everything to be like it should be." It's all making sense to Sal, now. The Tweedles moved to Manhattan where Mr Tweedle is the new principal accountant at the Hotel Emphasis. Their remaining son D'Romeo and his adopted twin brother Alfonzo grow accustomed to a life of ease in the Hotel Emphasis. When Tweedle goes down for tax fraud, his wife commits suicide, so Alfonzo and D'Romeo are taken under the Duke's wing. The bright young Alfonzo is quite an asset to the Emphasis empire and acquires a number of skills which keep him in good favor with the Duke, who both boys call Uncle Sal. D'Romeo is a useless twit and spends every penny he gets his hands on for expensive clothes and his cocaine jones. While Sal pleads for his life, in the alley in back of the Hotel Emphasis another scene is cookin': D'Romeo slowly wakes from a stupor as he feels someone tugging at his rattlesnake boots. Out of breath and still dazed, he's unable to gain control of the situation and thinks he must be delirious – he notices that the gutter rat who's stealing his boots looks exactly like himself – except, of course, that this person has absolutely no fashion sense. "Jesus, dude, watch the skins! Those boots cost me nearly a grand." He looks at himself again, then touches his own face, noticing his nose is bleeding. He reaches in his jacket pocket for a silk handkerchief. He shakes his head and looks up again to see his double struggle to put the boots on over bare and filthy feet. "Stop that. You're spoiling my new rattlesnake boots." "Mine now. Gimme the jacket, too. Hey, you look just like me, twit!" "Tweedle," D'Romeo says, pulling his suede jacket close around him. "Twit, tweedle, twat – same smell." Then he looks more closely at D'Romeo's face, as he touches his own scruffy beard. "Tweedle, huh?" he says, as he struggles to pull up ancient memories. "Yeah, D'Romeo Tweedle. You're not going to hurt me are you?" "How you know my name is D'Romeo? Give me the jacket or I'll kick your teeth in with my new rattlesnake boots." D'Romeo trembles as he pulls off the jacket and hands it to the thug who stops when he sees the name embroidered on the inside of the collar: D. Tweedle. For a moment, the two are frozen in each others gazes and neither notices the lady picking aluminum cans from the rubble around them. She stares at them and walks around slowly as if she's perusing an exhibit at Madame Tussaud's. The scruffy D'Romeo gives her a shove and says, "If we're such a show you ought to pay – this ain't no charity benefit, bitch." "I'm sure I'm very sorry," is all she says; for the words of a song are ringing through her head like the ticking of a clock and she can hardly help saying them out loud:
Agreed to have a battle; For Tweedledum said Tweedledee Had spoiled his nice new rattle. Just then flew down a monstrous crow, As black as a tar-barrel; Which frightened both the heroes so, They quite forgot their quarrel. "I may be a bitch, but I ain't no witch. The name's Alice. And it is spooky – maybe you two are long lost twins or something. It happens. Sometimes shit happens." "Contrariwise, old woman. Alice. Whatever. I do have a twin brother but his name is Alfonzo – there's no way this freak could be related to me. I mean, just look how he's dressed! Except for the boots – the boots are nice. And the jacket. Now that's class!" At the mention of the name Alfonzo, Alice starts to cry. "One of you wouldn't happen to have a bottle on you," she asks softly. The scruffy D'Romeo hands her a pint of Mad Dog after taking a swig himself. The dashing D'Romeo dips into a silver vial of cocaine he has hanging like an amulet around his neck with a tiny silver spoon. It grows suddenly very dark and there's such a loud noise they can barely hear each other speak. "What a thick black cloud that is!" Alice says. "And how fast it comes! Why, I do believe it's got wings!" "It's the crow!" says scruffy D as he ducks behind the dumpster for cover. "It's a police helicopter," shouts dashing D as he bolts towards door of the hotel kitchen which faces the alley. "This is the police. Stop, hands in the air! Move and we'll shoot," booms a voice from the helicopter. Just then the kitchen door opens and Sal watches from the doorway as his nephew Alfonzo kicks Algernon into the alley where he falls on his hands and knees. Noticing the old woman with her hands in the air, Alfonzo says, "Beat it bitch, if you know what's good for you. She spits at him and he shoots her in the face, then blows Algernon's brains all over the sidewalk. Sal steps out to give Alfonzo a hand and D'Romeo yells for him to stay inside. A machine gun burst from the helicopter takes out everyone left standing. The scruffy D'Romeo, who had been hiding behind the dumpster, narrowly escapes down the alley without being noticed. He reaches into the pocket of his new jacket and smiles when he finds a wallet bulging with greenbacks and plastic. That evening, after a huge steak dinner, D'Romeo sits at a bar in the village nursing a scotch rocks. The bartender says, "Celebratin' something? You seem to be enjoying yourself tonight, pal." "Call me D'Romeo. Do you believe in déjà vu? Today, I saw myself in an alley and my life flashed before my eyes – a life I never had, or wanted to have. This guy could have been my twin brother." "No kidding? I had a twin brother once. Guess I'd freak if I ever ran into him. Can I get you another drink?" "Yeah, the same. Keep the change, friend" he said as he peeled off a twenty. "What can I call you? "Thanks, man. You can call me Alfonzo." "Alfonzo – the Fonz. Good name. Got any pretzels?" © Blind Carbon Copy/Carrie Berry 2001 Comedy of Errors first appeared in the November 2001 edition of Tonya Judy's Flush Fiction Magazine. [ fandango virtual | morpheus arms | bcc | fv books ] |