*GATOR SPRINGS GAZETTE
a literary journal of the fictional persuasion
ALLIGATOR CHORUS

Poetry by Jamie Zerndt

ANTIQUES ROAD SHOW

    Do you see here
    the generous play of light?
    That was the first clue
    that we might be onto something of value.

    My heart sped up
    when I saw the signature

    but you see
    it really is quite worthless.
    What did you pay?
    Five dollars did you say?
    Well, let's just say you tipped the vendor well.

    It has all the qualities
    at first glance
    of a world-class poem.
    but when you hold it up to the light
    you begin to see
    that the words are all over-polished
    (note the artificial patina)
    that the metaphors
    have all been rubbed down to nothing.

BUDDHA EXPLAINS TO THE STEWARDESS
WHY THERE'S PART OF A HAIKU ON HIS LAP
    only enough room
    to stuff fourteen syllables
    in the overhead

PEOPLE-ING
    When you were a little girl
    I told you that sometimes fish
    go people-ing.

    You looked up at me
    then at the little mouths
    poking holes in the algae.

    Your smile began to quiver
    and slowly
    you stepped away from the bank.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
    It's okay if you don't want to read this poem.
    Really,
    it's no big deal.

    And yes
    I swear I wrote this one
    that it's not another test
    like that time I showed you two poems
    and told you they were both mine
    but really one was by Roethke.

    When you chose mine as the better of the two
    I said it only went to show
    you knew nothing about poetry.
    But this isn't like that.
    I promise.

    You've probably got something better to do
    than read a poem that's about you
    about how gorgeous your pooper is
    and yes, you can say pooper in a poem

    I guess you won't get to see the part
    where I use the word irony
    but mean it as in full of iron
    when I refer to the erection
    I'm currently maintaining for you

    which in itself is ironic
    a thing I say I'm cutting out of my diet
    but as you can see
    I keep sneaking back to the refrigerator.

    Then there's the part
    where I write a word really small
    with a #6 font or something
               please read me!
    And when you lean down close so you can read it
    the poem grabs your nose
    and squeezes so hard your eyes start to water
    which is good
    because the sad part is coming.

    The part about how much I love you.
    But yeah, I know.
    You're tired
    and all I do is talk about poetry
    poetry this and poetry that
    blah blah blah.

    It's too late now anyway
    the poem's over
    and I'm leaving you

    All you had to do was read the stupid thing
    then say thank you
    for the tan you got
    while basking in its brilliance.

    But it's too late now.
    The poem's over
    and I'm going to kill myself.

    Thanks.
    Thanks a lot.

44 TALL
    Today
    I made a jacket
    out of a poem

    Commas for collar
    ellipses for thread
    parentheses for pocket
    and O's for buttons.

    The only problem is
    the metaphor needs to be turned up at the sleeves where it runs on
    ...a bit too long...

©Jamie Zerndt

Jamie Zerndt has been published in The Oregonian Newspaper, Mid America Poetry Review and Nerve Cowboy as well as a number of online venues. He teaches for a community college in Portland, Oregon and is currently refraining from adding any third person wit.

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